Understanding Will Come

UPDATED

After Walking a Mile in My Shoes – Understanding Will Be There

 

Now his son is confused as to why he is so much worse today than 6 months ago and because I am no longer able to take care of him he is in a nursing home. His son at this time can not understand how serious his father’s dementia is and how fast his father went downhill.  He doesn’t understand how his condition has deteriorated in the short time he saw him last which was in December of last year. I would be confused too and try to find out all I could as to what happened.

My thoughts on this is that he can bring his dad home for the day each day he is here. I will go away somewhere to a friend’s house about an hour away so I’ll only be a short distance and I can get home quickly if he or his father needs me. That way he will be doing everything I had to do for him. I will have to let him take care of his father so he can see and feel the stress I was under. Continue reading Understanding Will Come

Island of Tears

Island                                                            UPDATED

An island is a piece of land that is totally surrounded by water and as the saying goes, “No man is an island.”   While no man can be an island in the manner of surviving by himself, since all mankind is connected in one way or another to the human family. So, no man is an island. Although, two people can become Continue reading Island of Tears

Lives Are a Saga

Saga

Lives Are a Saga

Birth is a constant and death is a constant. These two constants happen in every one’s life. As soon as birth takes place that constant has ended. Now it becomes intermittent and irregular. When that part ends, then the other constant is in place, death.

Intermittent and irregular things happen to all of us between the constants of birth and death and that is called life. There have been many things that have happened to all of us. Many of them were good, and those are the memories that should be the only things in the forefront of our minds. Unfortunately, there were also the many tragedies that happen in all of our lives and people think they should just forget them; as it were, out of sight out of mind.

Wouldn’t that be nice if they were wrapped in neat little packages of good and bad? If that were the case then life would be good. The intermittent cycles Continue reading Lives Are a Saga

Privacy Policy

Privacy policy

This privacy policy (“Policy”) describes how we collect, protect and use the personally identifiable information (“Personal Information”) you (“User”, “you” or “your”) provided on the https://cmwrites.com website and any of its products or services (collectively, “Website” or “Services”). It also describes the choices available to you regarding our use of your personal information and how you can access and update this information. This Policy does not apply to the practices of companies that we do not own or control, or to individuals that we do not employ or manage.

Collection of personal information

We receive and store any information you knowingly provide to us when you fill any online forms on the Website. You can choose not to provide us with certain information, but then you may not be able to take advantage of some of the Website’s features.

Collection of non-personal information

When you visit the Website our servers automatically record information that your browser sends. This data may include information such as your computer’s IP address, browser type and version, operating system type and version, language preferences or the webpage you were visiting before you came to our Website, pages of our Website that you visit, the time spent on those pages, information you search for on our Website, access times and dates, and other statistics.

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Any of the information we collect from you may be used to improve customer service and respond to queries and emails of our customers; run and operate our Website and Services. Non-personal information collected is used only to identify potential cases of abuse and establish statistical information regarding Website traffic and usage. This statistical information is not otherwise aggregated in such a way that would identify any particular user of the system.

Children

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Our Website contains links to other websites that are not owned or controlled by us. Please be aware that we are not responsible for the privacy practices of such other websites or third parties. We encourage you to be aware when you leave our Website and to read the privacy statements of each and every website that may collect personal information.

Information security

We secure information you provide on computer servers in a controlled, secure environment, protected from unauthorized access, use, or disclosure. We maintain reasonable administrative, technical, and physical safeguards in an effort to protect against unauthorized access, use, modification, and disclosure of personal information in its control and custody. However, no data transmission over the Internet or wireless network can be guaranteed. Therefore, while we strive to protect your personal information, you acknowledge that (i) there are security and privacy limitations of the Internet which are beyond our control; (ii) the security, integrity, and privacy of any and all information and data exchanged between you and our Website cannot be guaranteed; and (iii) any such information and data may be viewed or tampered with in transit by a third party, despite best efforts.

Data breach

In the event we become aware that the security of the Website has been compromised or users Personal Information has been disclosed to unrelated third parties as a result of external activity, including, but not limited to, security attacks or fraud, we reserve the right to take reasonably appropriate measures, including, but not limited to, investigation and reporting, as well as notification to and cooperation with law enforcement authorities. In the event of a data breach, we will make reasonable efforts to notify affected individuals if we believe that there is a reasonable risk of harm to the user as a result of the breach or if notice is otherwise required by law. When we do we will post a notice on the Website.

Changes and amendments

We reserve the right to modify this privacy policy relating to the Website or Services at any time, effective upon posting of an updated version of this privacy policy on the Website. When we do we will post a notification on the main page of our Website. Continued use of the Website after any such changes shall constitute your consent to such changes. Policy was created with WebsitePolicies.com

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You acknowledge that you have read this Policy and agree to all its terms and conditions. By using the Website or its Services you agree to be bound by this Policy. If you do not agree to abide by the terms of this Policy, you are not authorized to use or access the Website and its Services.

Contacting us

If you have any questions about this Policy, please contact us.

This document was last updated on September 14, 2016

Back From Near Insanity – Still Frail

Frail

I took a break and went to Denver for a visit with my sister and brother-in-law. I thought that this might strengthen me as I was unable to cope with things at home. Bill is in the nursing home and yet I was seeing him too much. It isn’t that I wanted to have him home again. I felt for him,  but all he does is make us both feel badly. He isn’t capable of understanding that he can’t live at home ever again.

I stayed with my sister and her husband. I always enjoy staying with them. When I got there, I felt pretty good. I was refreshed and didn’t feel as if I was going to cry. After two days I visited the town we used to live in to visit some friends. It was fun visiting with them and I went by the old house we had put on our acre of land twenty-five years ago.

I went to visit and see what our old house looked like now. The inside had changed quite a bit since we lived there. The owner happened to be out in the yard, and when I told him we put this house on the land and I’d like to take some Continue reading Back From Near Insanity – Still Frail

Windows Open and Doors Shut

Windows Open and Doors Shut

Many times we find that we must be open to new ideas. That is what happens with Dementia and Alzheimer’s. For instance, one of the things I have previously spoken about is that changes are needed as the disease progresses. The last post on the subject was about being playful and at times playing children as adults with these diseases. So far it has worked for me, but is losing its’ effectiveness. So too this door slams so suddenly that my head spins to see the end of the battle comes so quickly and the ugly face of dementia has forever claimed another victim.

Something that has to be recognized by the care taker Continue reading Windows Open and Doors Shut

The New Horror

We both cried and our friends were trying not to cry as I told him how it was taking parts of me away too. If you’ve been following any part of this story, you know the things that it’s doing to me. He insisted he didn’t want us to be broken up. It was difficult for him to grasp that we were still married, we will always be married. I kept re-assuring him it isn’t anything he did, and he can’t help needing the kind of help he needs. I reminded him again and again that it is this horrible monster of a disease that is eating away his brain and it is never going to get any better. I had to keep reminding him that I love him, I would always love him and he is forever my husband and I his wife. The difficult part is that they cannot grasp the idea that we are not getting divorced. Continue reading The New Horror

I never put much stock in the comments that people make. Oh wait, I need to say that if people don’t make sincere, or personal comments on something you have written, then there is not a grain of truth, and their comments are insincere.

What’s wrong with stopping and really looking at the photo, article, the way someone is dressed, or whatever you are ready to make a comment? If you do that, than you won’t give comments like, “Good job” or a canned comment such as ones found on WordPress Blogs which this one is and say; “John and Susie think your story was awesome. Now check out their sites and see if you like them just as much.” Sorry folks, I trash most of them. If you are going to compliment someone on something you like, write something. You are supposed to be a writer …. write something.

How about something such as. “Wow, that article stunk. I didn’t like the part about you telling someone to write what they liked and didn’t like.”  Or something like “I love the post on “Fork.” I found that funny and sad at the same time. My step dad was a good one too.” Now, those are comments that mean something to a writer, a photographer, or any other artist. What is even better would be something like, “Loved the Face of Dementia, my mom had Alzheimer’s and it is sad to watch them go downhill. I give a like and a thumbs up to that difficult subject. More people need to know the stages so they know what they are in for if a loved one has dementia.”

Now, the second paragraph there is not a grain of truth in that comment. I find it offensive and I would rather they not comment at all.

If you are going to give a comment whether it be a sincere positive one, or a sincere not so good comment, at least make it sincere. Then the one that reads that comment can either feel good and know what their audience thinks, or if not enjoyed and told why, then the one the comment is meant for; knows what they need to put a more positive spin on. At least then, the comment will have a grain of truth if not a square foot of grains.

Oh, the heck with it. Only write sincere good ones. Who wants to hear sincere bad comments anyway? Seriously, give your sincere comments on something positive or something that touched your heart, or you agree with. That is encouraging to all writers no matter how long or how famous they are. I only hope one thing. I hope I have never written one insincere comment to anyone for anything.

Empty

Empty        UPDATED

I don’t deal well with anxiety and I fight this high level of anxiety every day now. My husband is far gone as he took another nose dive. I know I can’t handle any more. I feel as if I am going to have another melt down and end up again in the hospital as this anxiety becomes heavier every day now. How do I tell him I can’t take anymore and he has to go away? This is too hard because watching him lose more and more of himself hurts me too much. For every piece of himself he losses, I lose two pieces of me.

He doesn’t understand about my level of anxiety, so I have to put on a smile when inside I am empty and can hardly deal Continue reading Empty

The Face of Dementia

2002Face

This is my husband in 1988. He is capable; able to fix anything. He could take a car, disassemble and put it back together again. If you needed a transmission fixed, he was your man. He knew how to build things, fix anything that needed fixing and able to care very deeply. 

The year was 1988 when we married. Bill was an architectural draftsman at the time. until 1993 when he got laid off due to what they said was a lack of work. We found out later, it was because we used the insurance too much. There were two others in the same boat. He had gotten another draftsman job, but got laid off from that a year or two later and was told that everything was going to auto cad and he had no interest in learning the computer.

We owned a home in Lochuie, CO and in 1996 he built a beautiful 14×25 addition by himself with a storm basement. This was one that he did just for me. He built an 8’ bay window from floor to ceiling. We used to sit in the rocking chairs in the bay area and talk the afternoon away. It was beautiful to me and something I will never forget.

We moved to Missouri in the year 2000 and about 2007 sets of keys began to disappear, and they were nowhere to be found. They seemed to totally disappear. He lost many things and as time went on, things were going on that puzzled me. He would swear that I didn’t tell him something that I know I told him several times. I still dismissed those happenings as us getting old.

The first time I definitely knew that something was wrong was when a part for the Ford N 8 tractor came in and Bill went out to the garage to fix it after work. He had been gone for a long time. I strolled out to the garage to see how it was coming along.

When I got out there, he told me that this wasn’t the right part. I looked at the part, and the diagram that shows the way it was supposed to be put on. It was obviously the correct part, but he couldn’t understand how it fit.

This did concern me but when I showed him the diagram he insisted he was putting it on the right way. When I tried to show him how the part was supposed to go on in relationship to the diagram. He only got annoyed at me and insisted that he was doing it right, it just didn’t fit. I then called a friend of ours to come and see if it was the right part. He came over and it just went right on the way it was supposed to fit.

As time went on, things got worse. He lost so many objects and swore he put it in this one spot. He started accusing a friend of stealing from him. I knew that we had no friends that would ever steal from us and how could he think that way.

He never used to lose things. His memory used to be good too. He knew how to build things, and if something didn’t fit, he would be able to find something to make it work. He used to tear cars down and rebuild them. He was able to take transmissions apart and put them back together again. He had some of his home designs built in North Platte, NE, and he helped build himself.

He began telling people he raised his kids all by himself. Bill told everyone that he had full custody of his two boys from the beginning and that their mother would only take them for the summer. I wondered how he could forget things that were so major. He didn’t have custody, their mother did, and she gave the kids to us as soon as we got married. I no longer tried to correct him about things. What would be the harm?

Suddenly, he began doing other strange things as though he now had no conscience. I’m not saying that he became a liar. What I am saying is that something was wrong. I saw it, but I didn’t know what it was so I swept it away. 

 This man used to that used to be an architectural draftsman. He loved his family and he still does. This is the man that built houses, did some of the drafting for the Mall of America. He could build, take apart and put together, and he could fix anything.

After these things, he forgot how to do simple things. He forgot how to hammer a nail, he couldn’t screw in anything. There wasn’t anything he could do. I took us 4 and 5 hours to put together what used to take 1 to do. He lost his senses of up and down. This is the man with Dementia.

He no longer can do any drafting. He forgot how to build. He can no longer read many words. It’s too dangerous for him to drive a car. His reflexes are slow and he can’t make decisions. He can’t get the keys into the mailbox, and he is unable to stay by himself for long unless I am at a neighbors where he knows how to find me. bill

He feels as if he is stupid, and thinks  his friends find him that way too. He used to build additions on homes, repaired all the things that went wrong in a house; but that was yesterday.

Yesterday he could plant a garden with large luscious tomatoes, and extra large cantaloupe that dripped when they were cut open and very sweet to the taste.

Now this is the man with Dementia.

Today he is the shell of the man from yesterday. His eyes no longer sparkle, he no longer laughs. He rarely speaks. His hands remain idle because he no longer remembers how to do things with them.

This is the Ugly and Destructive Face of dementia. The lines in the forehead tell me he worries, but he doesn’t remember why. The hollow cheeks remind me his appetite is waning and he is losing weight. His mouth is drooping down in a permanent frown. He can’t remember the words to speak. This is the face of dementia. It’s ugly because this is an ugly, silent monster. Alzheimer’s robs your loved ones of their memory and only toward the end do they begin to lose their cognition.

Dementia robs your loved one of life itself. He doesn’t know what a hammer is for. He doesn’t know where or what the microwave is. He walks into walls, and large objects. He can’t think of what he wants to say. It’s difficult to sit there and look at that face of dementia wanting and trying so hard to say something and can’t think of the words, and when they do, they can’t get them out. Don’t try to finish their sentence for them because then they lose their very thought. There is not anything else to say. This is the ugly face of dementia.

 

The most difficult apology

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