Category Archives: love

Remember

The word “Remember” can invoke many thoughts to each of us. You may even wonder where to begin. I’m sure that each of us could write a book on our own memories. I’m only thinking of the first thing that this precious word makes me want to write.

I remember the reason I fell in love with my husband. We lived in Colorado at the time and I remember the first conversation I heard him have with his mother. (His end of course.) The gentle tone in which he spoke to his mother reminded me how children are supposed to obey their parents. It made me remember that the reason we obey is because we love and respect them. He’d laugh Continue reading Remember

Twinkle

Twinkle

Even though it has only been a couple of weeks, it seems as if it has been a year since I have added anything new to my blog, in fact, I have added nothing at all to the words that meander down the road to insignificance. At the thought of those words, you can tell that I’m feeling a little melancholy today as I have the past days. Otherwise, had I not been in this state of mind, I might put on a smile as I forge onward to begin again on my blog.

I used to see a twinkle in his eye

And I knew that his smile was nigh.

My expectations left me high

Just waiting for that twinkle in his eye.

 

Yesterday I knew this was to be true

And now I’m not sure what to do

That smile has lingered like the dew

Oh for the eyes to twinkle a new.

 

Now his eyes just always look blank

My eyes saw nothing and my heart sank.

I looked around and I began to feel dank

But I wanted to be back into the rank

 

Of that beautiful and precious smile in his eyes

It’s called a twinkle and follows his guise

I’ve been waiting oh please give me that surprise

First a twinkle and then that smile I idolize.

 

My heart is broken but still I wait

Because I know it is there, I am his mate

For a while now it is usually late

But it’s there it’s personal, and I need not debate.

Friends are Still Friends

     

Come as your favorite Bible character
Come as your favorite Bible character

Bill and I went for breakfast at the hut as we do on most Fridays. The pain of separation is almost unbearable for Bill at this time. I’ve only taken him out twice this week and visited him once. I understand the way he feels because I would feel the same way if the situation was the other way around. I too would question someone’s love if that person put me in a place full of unknown old people and I couldn’t understand why.

 

As he sees it; and truly feels himself to be the same person he always was. Constantly he wonders why we can’t be together all the time. He can’t understand why he is not able to be with me at home again. Our tears fall easily when we first see each other, but this morning I was able to wait for my tears to begin. Off we went to breakfast with our friends.             Continue reading Friends are Still Friends

How Could I Show the Depth of My Love?

Depth

It’s funny in a facetious way how my profundity of love for my husband would be tested in such a way such as it is at this time. While I was growing up, there was no real love in our Copy of Copy of mom and dadfamily. If it wasn’t for my step-father who I have always felt was my real father I would not have a speck of love within me. He put us, his family first. He never cared what time we called or what he was doing at that time; his secretary was given instructions to put his family through to him even if he was in a meeting. That’s how he thought of us; we were his family.

Since he married my mom when I was eleven years old, it was almost too late for real ron ann col 56family love to shine through and actually recognize it as being something special or even important. My real father had no love for us kids, and a future series on growing up with no love will bear out that fact. So I virtually grew up within a family of only jealousy and indifference of each other. We felt little, if any, love for each other as kids the same way our mother showed little love if any to us.

I had always known the words in the bible that said, “God is love.” I couldn’t grasp that idea and it was a mystery to me. It was something I knew nothing about at all. I just knew  those words were true because they were in the bible and I have always believed what the bible said even if I didn’t understand it. In response to these words that always bothered me since I was a child, I wanted to know what love was and where I could go to find it. When I grew up I went looking for love; so please forgive me for the following cliché.

Yes, as the song goes, “I was looking for love in all the wrong places.” I went through that scene not knowing exactly what I was looking for but it definitely wasn’t there in bars. I couldn’t find it among the drugs of the hippies and their love and peace slogans. Then I thought I might find love out on the road while I was driving a truck. I quickly Continue reading How Could I Show the Depth of My Love?

Lives Are a Saga

Saga

Lives Are a Saga

Birth is a constant and death is a constant. These two constants happen in every one’s life. As soon as birth takes place that constant has ended. Now it becomes intermittent and irregular. When that part ends, then the other constant is in place, death.

Intermittent and irregular things happen to all of us between the constants of birth and death and that is called life. There have been many things that have happened to all of us. Many of them were good, and those are the memories that should be the only things in the forefront of our minds. Unfortunately, there were also the many tragedies that happen in all of our lives and people think they should just forget them; as it were, out of sight out of mind.

Wouldn’t that be nice if they were wrapped in neat little packages of good and bad? If that were the case then life would be good. The intermittent cycles Continue reading Lives Are a Saga

Back From Near Insanity – Still Frail

Frail

I took a break and went to Denver for a visit with my sister and brother-in-law. I thought that this might strengthen me as I was unable to cope with things at home. Bill is in the nursing home and yet I was seeing him too much. It isn’t that I wanted to have him home again. I felt for him,  but all he does is make us both feel badly. He isn’t capable of understanding that he can’t live at home ever again.

I stayed with my sister and her husband. I always enjoy staying with them. When I got there, I felt pretty good. I was refreshed and didn’t feel as if I was going to cry. After two days I visited the town we used to live in to visit some friends. It was fun visiting with them and I went by the old house we had put on our acre of land twenty-five years ago.

I went to visit and see what our old house looked like now. The inside had changed quite a bit since we lived there. The owner happened to be out in the yard, and when I told him we put this house on the land and I’d like to take some Continue reading Back From Near Insanity – Still Frail

Windows Open and Doors Shut

Windows Open and Doors Shut

Many times we find that we must be open to new ideas. That is what happens with Dementia and Alzheimer’s. For instance, one of the things I have previously spoken about is that changes are needed as the disease progresses. The last post on the subject was about being playful and at times playing children as adults with these diseases. So far it has worked for me, but is losing its’ effectiveness. So too this door slams so suddenly that my head spins to see the end of the battle comes so quickly and the ugly face of dementia has forever claimed another victim.

Something that has to be recognized by the care taker Continue reading Windows Open and Doors Shut

The New Horror

We both cried and our friends were trying not to cry as I told him how it was taking parts of me away too. If you’ve been following any part of this story, you know the things that it’s doing to me. He insisted he didn’t want us to be broken up. It was difficult for him to grasp that we were still married, we will always be married. I kept re-assuring him it isn’t anything he did, and he can’t help needing the kind of help he needs. I reminded him again and again that it is this horrible monster of a disease that is eating away his brain and it is never going to get any better. I had to keep reminding him that I love him, I would always love him and he is forever my husband and I his wife. The difficult part is that they cannot grasp the idea that we are not getting divorced. Continue reading The New Horror

The Face of Dementia

2002Face

This is my husband in 1988. He is capable; able to fix anything. He could take a car, disassemble and put it back together again. If you needed a transmission fixed, he was your man. He knew how to build things, fix anything that needed fixing and able to care very deeply. 

The year was 1988 when we married. Bill was an architectural draftsman at the time. until 1993 when he got laid off due to what they said was a lack of work. We found out later, it was because we used the insurance too much. There were two others in the same boat. He had gotten another draftsman job, but got laid off from that a year or two later and was told that everything was going to auto cad and he had no interest in learning the computer.

We owned a home in Lochuie, CO and in 1996 he built a beautiful 14×25 addition by himself with a storm basement. This was one that he did just for me. He built an 8’ bay window from floor to ceiling. We used to sit in the rocking chairs in the bay area and talk the afternoon away. It was beautiful to me and something I will never forget.

We moved to Missouri in the year 2000 and about 2007 sets of keys began to disappear, and they were nowhere to be found. They seemed to totally disappear. He lost many things and as time went on, things were going on that puzzled me. He would swear that I didn’t tell him something that I know I told him several times. I still dismissed those happenings as us getting old.

The first time I definitely knew that something was wrong was when a part for the Ford N 8 tractor came in and Bill went out to the garage to fix it after work. He had been gone for a long time. I strolled out to the garage to see how it was coming along.

When I got out there, he told me that this wasn’t the right part. I looked at the part, and the diagram that shows the way it was supposed to be put on. It was obviously the correct part, but he couldn’t understand how it fit.

This did concern me but when I showed him the diagram he insisted he was putting it on the right way. When I tried to show him how the part was supposed to go on in relationship to the diagram. He only got annoyed at me and insisted that he was doing it right, it just didn’t fit. I then called a friend of ours to come and see if it was the right part. He came over and it just went right on the way it was supposed to fit.

As time went on, things got worse. He lost so many objects and swore he put it in this one spot. He started accusing a friend of stealing from him. I knew that we had no friends that would ever steal from us and how could he think that way.

He never used to lose things. His memory used to be good too. He knew how to build things, and if something didn’t fit, he would be able to find something to make it work. He used to tear cars down and rebuild them. He was able to take transmissions apart and put them back together again. He had some of his home designs built in North Platte, NE, and he helped build himself.

He began telling people he raised his kids all by himself. Bill told everyone that he had full custody of his two boys from the beginning and that their mother would only take them for the summer. I wondered how he could forget things that were so major. He didn’t have custody, their mother did, and she gave the kids to us as soon as we got married. I no longer tried to correct him about things. What would be the harm?

Suddenly, he began doing other strange things as though he now had no conscience. I’m not saying that he became a liar. What I am saying is that something was wrong. I saw it, but I didn’t know what it was so I swept it away. 

 This man used to that used to be an architectural draftsman. He loved his family and he still does. This is the man that built houses, did some of the drafting for the Mall of America. He could build, take apart and put together, and he could fix anything.

After these things, he forgot how to do simple things. He forgot how to hammer a nail, he couldn’t screw in anything. There wasn’t anything he could do. I took us 4 and 5 hours to put together what used to take 1 to do. He lost his senses of up and down. This is the man with Dementia.

He no longer can do any drafting. He forgot how to build. He can no longer read many words. It’s too dangerous for him to drive a car. His reflexes are slow and he can’t make decisions. He can’t get the keys into the mailbox, and he is unable to stay by himself for long unless I am at a neighbors where he knows how to find me. bill

He feels as if he is stupid, and thinks  his friends find him that way too. He used to build additions on homes, repaired all the things that went wrong in a house; but that was yesterday.

Yesterday he could plant a garden with large luscious tomatoes, and extra large cantaloupe that dripped when they were cut open and very sweet to the taste.

Now this is the man with Dementia.

Today he is the shell of the man from yesterday. His eyes no longer sparkle, he no longer laughs. He rarely speaks. His hands remain idle because he no longer remembers how to do things with them.

This is the Ugly and Destructive Face of dementia. The lines in the forehead tell me he worries, but he doesn’t remember why. The hollow cheeks remind me his appetite is waning and he is losing weight. His mouth is drooping down in a permanent frown. He can’t remember the words to speak. This is the face of dementia. It’s ugly because this is an ugly, silent monster. Alzheimer’s robs your loved ones of their memory and only toward the end do they begin to lose their cognition.

Dementia robs your loved one of life itself. He doesn’t know what a hammer is for. He doesn’t know where or what the microwave is. He walks into walls, and large objects. He can’t think of what he wants to say. It’s difficult to sit there and look at that face of dementia wanting and trying so hard to say something and can’t think of the words, and when they do, they can’t get them out. Don’t try to finish their sentence for them because then they lose their very thought. There is not anything else to say. This is the ugly face of dementia.

 

The most difficult apology

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Free Basic Computer Lessons

This will be a short post. I offer basic computer lessons for older people who are afraid to try to use the computer for fear of breaking it. My lessons are short, to the point, pictures, and a new vocabulary for computer users only. These terms are badly needed if someone is able to learn to follow directions  themselves. That is one of the problems I had when I first began learning the computer myself. I didn’t know what the instructions were. I didn’t know what the “thing-a-ma-jigs” were and I didn’t have a clue what the “Doo-Hickeys” were. Well, I will teach them those things. They are basic lessons. So if you know someone who is afraid of the computer, send them here for a look at the easy to follow instructions.

On this website is free lessons on photo editing. It isn’t hard because most of it is trying different things yourself, but introduce some programs to them.

Then there are some posts on gift giving and how to be a unique gift giver that people won’t want to return. Come check it out just for curiosity sake. Come on, you know you want to.

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