Category Archives: expectations

Personification or Epitome

Epitome

Lately, I haven’t been feeling very worthy of anything, including approval by God. When I was a child, the Church was something that was always important to me. As a child, I believed that church was the only place to go that would bring us near to our Heavenly father. I took catechism classes and studied hard to ensure that I would pass the questions that were asked of a person before they could partake of communion. I was probably 8 or 9 years old.

I had finally graduated and was now able to take communion. I just knew that God was smiling down at me because I put a lot of effort into this endeavor. Then first Sunday that I was able to take communion, I awoke to about 8 inches of snow. I cried and couldn’t stop. The roads were impassable on our end of the street and I really wanted to go to church.

My mother called the minister and asked him if he was going to have services that morning. When he told her he wasn’t planning on it… Continue reading Personification or Epitome

Now the Final Phase

Phase

So another phase of my life ends. We had to sell our beautiful four bedroom home on five acres. One reason was the medical bills that stacked up and the good credit we had at the time. Alzheimer’s had resided with my mother for 12 years by now. Dementia had been diagnosed. No more trips, no more dropping everything and going somewhere. Yes, the carefree phase of our lives had shut the door quickly.

We had entered a new phase. It was one of high medical debt, and maxed out credit cards. There was no end in sight to this new phase either, especially after I fell and broke my shoulder. Five surgeries if the first year alone. My mother had to be moved to a nursing center and I still needed to be with my mom often. She still needed me. I had to be sure that she was taken care of properly. I had to take her laundry home and wash it because her clothes disappeared when they went to the laundry there. Dementia in the first stage was waiting at home for me.

It does sound like I’m whining, but I’m really not. My mom died a few years ago. The dementia is in the late fourth stage, but I don’t mind. Our bills are under control and we now live in a one bedroom apartment. I wouldn’t say that life is good, but for me it is. I still have my husband home with me. I rejoice each day that we are able to communicate and be understood by each other. That is a joy in my life.

In the early years of our marriage, he had to care for me. He did it so lovingly, and never complained. He was there for each medical emergency, and each surgery. Now it is my privilege to care for him. I hope that I can do that with the same love and gentleness that he has done for me all these years. So now begins the final phase of our lives and I will still thank our heavenly father for His Kingdom. The Kingdom we pray for, the Kingdom that will rule over the entire earth. (Rev 21:4) Tells of no more death or tears.

Which one is Truly Deprived?

Deprive

As many of you know, I have been struggling with my husband’s dementia. We’ve had windows open and doors shut, we’ve tried being playful, and yet I feel as if I am empty and can’t give any more.

Now I have to put him into a nursing home and the sadness is overwhelming for me. I’ve talked to him, and he’s been quiet and tearful. I have been also. Neither of us are able to say what needs to be said. I need a break and he is no longer able to stay by himself.

When I put my mom into a nursing home it was very different. She obviously needed more nursing care than the assisted living community was able to give her, Of course there is some guilt with that, but not nearly the struggle there is with a husband who has been a constant companion for many years. Now, you know that he will still be alive, but won’t be living with you any longer.

Anyone who is, or sees the early signs of any type of dementia can know what to expect. Some people go through them very slowly, and some go quickly. I just am wondering who will feel more deprived. Bill will know that I am not there and he can’t come home to sleep, and I can’t be there all the time. There isn’t really anywhere we can visit privately unless I take him out of the memory unit. He will miss me terribly. He’ll want to hold me, but I won’t be there, he’ll want to tell me he loves me. He’ll want to tell me he wants to come home. He will have to share a room with a stranger. His balance is terrible and he will be falling down. He won’t like sharing a room with any stranger.

I will be home feeling alone and not knowing what to do. I can go visit Bill, but most of the time I will go home alone. Will I be afraid at night? I won’t have anyone there to share something beautiful with. I will miss his arms around me and his shoulder to cry on.

Who will be deprived the most? We will equally be deprived. We are still looking for those golden years and they are “just around the corner.”

cm writes

As you can see, I have changed the name of this blog This is a far more appropriate title. I don’t really know how the other got named that name. I was probably trying to do something else and ended up with that. The same thing with my user name. I thought that I was naming the blog. WordPress is new to me and I am still trying to figure a lot of it out for myself. That is how I have learned just about everything I know.

I learned how to drive a truck by myself, I taught myself how to run a computer when windows were new. I learned a ton of programs. There are enough books out there to teach yourself anything. I just figure if I can do it, anybody can.