Category Archives: expectations

Friends are Still Friends

     

Come as your favorite Bible character
Come as your favorite Bible character

Bill and I went for breakfast at the hut as we do on most Fridays. The pain of separation is almost unbearable for Bill at this time. I’ve only taken him out twice this week and visited him once. I understand the way he feels because I would feel the same way if the situation was the other way around. I too would question someone’s love if that person put me in a place full of unknown old people and I couldn’t understand why.

 

As he sees it; and truly feels himself to be the same person he always was. Constantly he wonders why we can’t be together all the time. He can’t understand why he is not able to be with me at home again. Our tears fall easily when we first see each other, but this morning I was able to wait for my tears to begin. Off we went to breakfast with our friends.             Continue reading Friends are Still Friends

Back From Near Insanity – Still Frail

Frail

I took a break and went to Denver for a visit with my sister and brother-in-law. I thought that this might strengthen me as I was unable to cope with things at home. Bill is in the nursing home and yet I was seeing him too much. It isn’t that I wanted to have him home again. I felt for him,  but all he does is make us both feel badly. He isn’t capable of understanding that he can’t live at home ever again.

I stayed with my sister and her husband. I always enjoy staying with them. When I got there, I felt pretty good. I was refreshed and didn’t feel as if I was going to cry. After two days I visited the town we used to live in to visit some friends. It was fun visiting with them and I went by the old house we had put on our acre of land twenty-five years ago.

I went to visit and see what our old house looked like now. The inside had changed quite a bit since we lived there. The owner happened to be out in the yard, and when I told him we put this house on the land and I’d like to take some Continue reading Back From Near Insanity – Still Frail

The New Horror

We both cried and our friends were trying not to cry as I told him how it was taking parts of me away too. If you’ve been following any part of this story, you know the things that it’s doing to me. He insisted he didn’t want us to be broken up. It was difficult for him to grasp that we were still married, we will always be married. I kept re-assuring him it isn’t anything he did, and he can’t help needing the kind of help he needs. I reminded him again and again that it is this horrible monster of a disease that is eating away his brain and it is never going to get any better. I had to keep reminding him that I love him, I would always love him and he is forever my husband and I his wife. The difficult part is that they cannot grasp the idea that we are not getting divorced. Continue reading The New Horror

The Face of Dementia

2002Face

This is my husband in 1988. He is capable; able to fix anything. He could take a car, disassemble and put it back together again. If you needed a transmission fixed, he was your man. He knew how to build things, fix anything that needed fixing and able to care very deeply. 

The year was 1988 when we married. Bill was an architectural draftsman at the time. until 1993 when he got laid off due to what they said was a lack of work. We found out later, it was because we used the insurance too much. There were two others in the same boat. He had gotten another draftsman job, but got laid off from that a year or two later and was told that everything was going to auto cad and he had no interest in learning the computer.

We owned a home in Lochuie, CO and in 1996 he built a beautiful 14×25 addition by himself with a storm basement. This was one that he did just for me. He built an 8’ bay window from floor to ceiling. We used to sit in the rocking chairs in the bay area and talk the afternoon away. It was beautiful to me and something I will never forget.

We moved to Missouri in the year 2000 and about 2007 sets of keys began to disappear, and they were nowhere to be found. They seemed to totally disappear. He lost many things and as time went on, things were going on that puzzled me. He would swear that I didn’t tell him something that I know I told him several times. I still dismissed those happenings as us getting old.

The first time I definitely knew that something was wrong was when a part for the Ford N 8 tractor came in and Bill went out to the garage to fix it after work. He had been gone for a long time. I strolled out to the garage to see how it was coming along.

When I got out there, he told me that this wasn’t the right part. I looked at the part, and the diagram that shows the way it was supposed to be put on. It was obviously the correct part, but he couldn’t understand how it fit.

This did concern me but when I showed him the diagram he insisted he was putting it on the right way. When I tried to show him how the part was supposed to go on in relationship to the diagram. He only got annoyed at me and insisted that he was doing it right, it just didn’t fit. I then called a friend of ours to come and see if it was the right part. He came over and it just went right on the way it was supposed to fit.

As time went on, things got worse. He lost so many objects and swore he put it in this one spot. He started accusing a friend of stealing from him. I knew that we had no friends that would ever steal from us and how could he think that way.

He never used to lose things. His memory used to be good too. He knew how to build things, and if something didn’t fit, he would be able to find something to make it work. He used to tear cars down and rebuild them. He was able to take transmissions apart and put them back together again. He had some of his home designs built in North Platte, NE, and he helped build himself.

He began telling people he raised his kids all by himself. Bill told everyone that he had full custody of his two boys from the beginning and that their mother would only take them for the summer. I wondered how he could forget things that were so major. He didn’t have custody, their mother did, and she gave the kids to us as soon as we got married. I no longer tried to correct him about things. What would be the harm?

Suddenly, he began doing other strange things as though he now had no conscience. I’m not saying that he became a liar. What I am saying is that something was wrong. I saw it, but I didn’t know what it was so I swept it away. 

 This man used to that used to be an architectural draftsman. He loved his family and he still does. This is the man that built houses, did some of the drafting for the Mall of America. He could build, take apart and put together, and he could fix anything.

After these things, he forgot how to do simple things. He forgot how to hammer a nail, he couldn’t screw in anything. There wasn’t anything he could do. I took us 4 and 5 hours to put together what used to take 1 to do. He lost his senses of up and down. This is the man with Dementia.

He no longer can do any drafting. He forgot how to build. He can no longer read many words. It’s too dangerous for him to drive a car. His reflexes are slow and he can’t make decisions. He can’t get the keys into the mailbox, and he is unable to stay by himself for long unless I am at a neighbors where he knows how to find me. bill

He feels as if he is stupid, and thinks  his friends find him that way too. He used to build additions on homes, repaired all the things that went wrong in a house; but that was yesterday.

Yesterday he could plant a garden with large luscious tomatoes, and extra large cantaloupe that dripped when they were cut open and very sweet to the taste.

Now this is the man with Dementia.

Today he is the shell of the man from yesterday. His eyes no longer sparkle, he no longer laughs. He rarely speaks. His hands remain idle because he no longer remembers how to do things with them.

This is the Ugly and Destructive Face of dementia. The lines in the forehead tell me he worries, but he doesn’t remember why. The hollow cheeks remind me his appetite is waning and he is losing weight. His mouth is drooping down in a permanent frown. He can’t remember the words to speak. This is the face of dementia. It’s ugly because this is an ugly, silent monster. Alzheimer’s robs your loved ones of their memory and only toward the end do they begin to lose their cognition.

Dementia robs your loved one of life itself. He doesn’t know what a hammer is for. He doesn’t know where or what the microwave is. He walks into walls, and large objects. He can’t think of what he wants to say. It’s difficult to sit there and look at that face of dementia wanting and trying so hard to say something and can’t think of the words, and when they do, they can’t get them out. Don’t try to finish their sentence for them because then they lose their very thought. There is not anything else to say. This is the ugly face of dementia.

 

The most difficult apology

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Free Basic Computer Lessons

This will be a short post. I offer basic computer lessons for older people who are afraid to try to use the computer for fear of breaking it. My lessons are short, to the point, pictures, and a new vocabulary for computer users only. These terms are badly needed if someone is able to learn to follow directions  themselves. That is one of the problems I had when I first began learning the computer myself. I didn’t know what the instructions were. I didn’t know what the “thing-a-ma-jigs” were and I didn’t have a clue what the “Doo-Hickeys” were. Well, I will teach them those things. They are basic lessons. So if you know someone who is afraid of the computer, send them here for a look at the easy to follow instructions.

On this website is free lessons on photo editing. It isn’t hard because most of it is trying different things yourself, but introduce some programs to them.

Then there are some posts on gift giving and how to be a unique gift giver that people won’t want to return. Come check it out just for curiosity sake. Come on, you know you want to.

    my other blog

 

Unspoken Majesty of the Mountains

Mountain

 

There are  mountains and hills in just about every one of the 50 states of this country. Some mountains are much higher than others and some are hills. Whatever is observed as the scenery which passes by at 70 mph if you’re on the Interstate, or 50 – 65 mph if you’re on the US or State highways, is something to truly enjoy.

Every place on this earth has its’ own splendor, its’ own beauty, and there is nothing I would like better than to be able to travel some of those roads again and this time “Don’t Run So Fast” 

I drove a truck for 16 years, and I saw the mountain, the plains, US highways, and state highways. There is no place that does not speak of the majesty of the mountains. The roads I loved were the two lane roads that made a truck drive slower. The sights were unbelievable. Each direction was more beautiful than Continue reading Unspoken Majesty of the Mountains

Born For A Purpose?

Purpose

Although many, maybe even the majority, believe that people were born with a purpose in life. My thoughts are different on that subject. If one would take a look at my point of view, maybe it will make sense to some of the people who read this post. I for instance am a caretaker and I fell into that position many years ago. My childhood, time and unforeseen circumstances that befall us all, (Ecclesiastes 9:11)   Unexpected things that have happened thrust me into that role at an early age, but I don’t believe that I was born for that for that sole purpose.

Just a few of those circumstances were that when one of my younger sisters was sick, I was the one told I had to stay home from school to care for that one while my mother worked. After I got home from school, it was me that had to clean the house, and make dinner for six so when mom got home, dinner was on the table. I certainly didn’t choose to be used for that purpose. I was the oldest girl, and I resented, I resented it very much. I was shoved into this role of caretaker. No, I didn’t see this as a joy I hated it and resented it because at that time my purpose was to be a slave.

I took care of my brother while he was dying from cancer, my mother with Alzheimer’s, part-time care of my sick grand-daughter to help ease the burden on the other grand mother, countless times money to my sister, the list goes on and on. When I got older, I didn’t mind because I loved the people I took care of. Even being in that role, I had a choice. I could have said no, I could have walked away instead of being their caretaker.

I don’t believe that we were born with a purpose. I believe that we may choose a role or slip into a role out of necessity, or of desire. A drunk has a sickness, an addict has a sickness. Someone with Cerebral Palsy, or Muscular  Dystrophy were not born for that purpose.

If someone was born for a specific purpose, to me it makes no sense. God would be a very cruel God to put someone in such a position to suffer all their lives. Slaves were not born that purpose, they were snatched from their homes and beaten into slavery.

The bible portrays God as a loving God. If you were going to punish a child for playing with matches, would you hold their hand over a fire and let him be burned as a punishment? Of course you wouldn’t. Our heavenly father would not do that either. He loves his creation and He gave all of us free will. To follow Him or not, to obey him or not, to come to an understanding of him or not, these are all choices we are able to make.

This is my personal opinion according to what the bible says. I agree with it whole heartedly, but others may not. That too is okay. As I said we were all given free choice.

 

 

 

 

Angry … but Alive

Angry

Can you see it? Can you see it in my eyes? Unexplained, strong, black, urgent, with over reactions to minor things, these are just a few of the terms I’ve come to know, and frequently use to describe the uncontrollable rage that suddenly consumes me, and threatens to swallow me alive.

Perhaps you can understand me better if you come into my mind and listen with me to the voices within. Sometimes the strangers I see in the mirror are frightening. Yet they are necessary for my own survival.

Seemingly always on the verge Continue reading Angry … but Alive

Fork

When my step dad came into the picture I was about 11 years old. There were five of us kids. Four girls and one boy. My older sister was eight  years older than I was and she had just left home the year before when she turned 18. She joined the W.A.C.S to get out and away from home.

Jack asked us if he could marry our mom which I was very impressed with and the four of us said yes even though my brother didn’t fall in love with him like the rest of us did. He came from money, but drank it all in his early years. He was broke and just out of jail when he met my mom. They met at an AA meeting and he fell in love with her.

We weren’t sure what to call him after they married 2 months later. Our new step father thought that it would be appropriate to call him daddy-Jack since our biological father was still alive and had visiting rights. It wasn’t long before I dropped the Jack and just called him daddy. Not long after that my sisters did the same, but my brother just always called him Jack. Ronny only approved of them marrying Continue reading Fork

Sing

Sing

When I sing, the birds disappear, the trees shiver, and people cover their ears with a look of terror in their eyes. I don’t understand why. I love to sing. A song can make you feel as if you are floating on a cloud but it could also make you feel as if your heart is about to break. Sometimes songs can make you feel empowered, as if  you can accomplish anything.

I have heard the expression, “…couldn’t carry a tune in a basket.” I wonder what that means?  Well, it doesn’t matter. I sang in the chorus in school, and I sang in the church choir when I was a child. I even sang a solo once in church. I was too soft, so the choir director motioned for me to sing louder. I thought I was doing great. The louder I sang, the more people began stirring. At the end of my part, I was singing so proudly, and I ended with a smile from ear to ear. As I waited for the applause, I looked up.  I saw the seats empty, and the choir director galloping out the door. Was it something I said?