Even though it has only been a couple of weeks, it seems as if it has been a year since I have added anything new to my blog, in fact, I have added nothing at all to the words that meander down the road to insignificance. At the thought of those words, you can tell that I’m feeling a little melancholy today as I have the past days. Otherwise, had I not been in this state of mind, I might put on a smile as I forge onward to begin again on my blog.
I used to see a twinkle in his eye
And I knew that his smile was nigh.
My expectations left me high
Just waiting for that twinkle in his eye.
Yesterday I knew this was to be true
And now I’m not sure what to do
That smile has lingered like the dew
Oh for the eyes to twinkle a new.
Now his eyes just always look blank
My eyes saw nothing and my heart sank.
I looked around and I began to feel dank
But I wanted to be back into the rank
Of that beautiful and precious smile in his eyes
It’s called a twinkle and follows his guise
I’ve been waiting oh please give me that surprise
First a twinkle and then that smile I idolize.
My heart is broken but still I wait
Because I know it is there, I am his mate
For a while now it is usually late
But it’s there, just look, it’s beautiful, and I don’t have to wait.
Life is a Saga
Birth is a constant and death is a constant. These two constants happen in every one’s life. As soon as birth takes place that constant has begun. Now it becomes intermittent and irregular. When that part ends, then the other constant is in place, death.
Intermittent and irregular things happen to all of us between the constants of birth and death and that is called life. There have been many things that have happened to all of us. Many of them were good, and those are the memories that should be the only things in the forefront of our minds. Unfortunately, there were also the many tragedies that happen in all of our lives and people think they should just forget them; as it were, out of sight out of mind.
Wouldn’t that be nice if they were wrapped in neat little packages of good and bad? If that were the case then life would be good. The intermittent cycles of life would be in neat and self-contained packs. Life isn’t like that though. The bad things in life are not ever wrapped in neat little packages. Unfortunately, the bad always contaminates the good and the owner spends a lifetime trying to clean up the contamination.
That is what makes everyone’s life a saga. Each of us could write a story about our own lives. They would all be different, very interesting, and no two stories would be the same. At the same time, that other constant is the end of the line for everyone, and isn’t that the end of everyone’s story?
So another phase of my life ends. We had to sell our beautiful four bedroom home on five acres. One reason was the medical bills that stacked up and the good credit we had at the time. Alzheimer’s had resided with my mother for 12 years by now. Dementia had been diagnosed. No more trips, no more dropping everything and going somewhere. Yes, the carefree phase of our lives had shut the door quickly.
We had entered a new phase. It was one of high medical debt, and maxed out credit cards. There was no end in sight to this new phase either, especially after I fell and broke my shoulder. Five surgeries if the first year alone. My mother had to be moved to a nursing center and I still needed to be with my mom often. She still needed me. I had to be sure that she was taken care of properly. I had to take her laundry home and wash it because her clothes disappeared when they went to the laundry there. Dementia in the first stage was waiting at home for me.
It does sound like I’m whining, but I’m really not. My mom died a few years ago. The dementia is in the late fourth stage, but I don’t mind. Our bills are under control and we now live in a one bedroom apartment. I wouldn’t say that life is good, but for me it is. I still have my husband home with me. I rejoice each day that we are able to communicate and be understood by each other. That is a joy in my life.
In the early years of our marriage, he had to care for me. He did it so lovingly, and never complained. He was there for each medical emergency, and each surgery. Now it is my privilege to care for him. I hope that I can do that with the same love and gentleness that he has done for me all these years. So now begins the final phase of our lives and I will still thank our heavenly father for His Kingdom. The Kingdom we pray for, the Kingdom that will rule over the entire earth. (Rev 21:4) Tells of no more death or tears.
As many of you know, I have been struggling with my husband’s dementia. We’ve had windows open and doors shut, we’ve tried being playful, and yet I feel as if I am empty and can’t give any more.
Now I have to put him into a nursing home and the sadness is overwhelming for me. I’ve talked to him, and he’s been quiet and tearful. I have been also. Neither of us are able to say what needs to be said. I need a break and he is no longer able to stay by himself.
When I put my mom into a nursing home it was very different. She obviously needed more nursing care than the assisted living community was able to give her, Of course there is some guilt with that, but not nearly the struggle there is with a husband who has been a constant companion for many years. Now, you know that he will still be alive, but won’t be living with you any longer.
Anyone who is, or sees the early signs of any type of dementia can know what to expect. Some people go through them very slowly, and some go quickly. I just am wondering who will feel more deprived. Bill will know that I am not there and he can’t come home to sleep, and I can’t be there all the time. There isn’t really anywhere we can visit privately unless I take him out of the memory unit. He will miss me terribly. He’ll want to hold me, but I won’t be there, he’ll want to tell me he loves me. He’ll want to tell me he wants to come home. He will have to share a room with a stranger. His balance is terrible and he will be falling down. He won’t like sharing a room with any stranger.
I will be home feeling alone and not knowing what to do. I can go visit Bill, but most of the time I will go home alone. Will I be afraid at night? I won’t have anyone there to share something beautiful with. I will miss his arms around me and his shoulder to cry on.
Who will be deprived the most? We will equally be deprived. We are still looking for those golden years and they are “just around the corner.”