All posts by cm writes

About cm writes

A lifelong desire of mine has been to write. As a child I wrote, even though it needed some pizzazz; but as a child, my abilities were very limited as you can imagine. Every person has much to learn, and I did that along the road to adulthood. I sure wish I kept them so I could us them for other posts. Fool that I am, I destroyed them. There were diaries through childhood abuse, tossed out. I guess that they served their purpose. Diaries I also kept through 2 abusive marriages and where are they now? They have all been destroyed, but yet I love to write. I guess that I didn't see any reason to keep them at the time, but as I write now, I can see the true value of them, precious. When I write now, I keep everything no matter how bad it seems to be. When I was in therapy I wrote everyday. Even if there are parts I don't want exposed, I don't expose it, but that is nothing new to writers. They have been doing this for years, and it works well. Happy Writing

What would you ask for if you could get just one wish?

I know what I would ask for; I would ask to be given the same opportunity that Adam and Eve had. If you stop to think about this, what would that exactly entail? Well, according to the story of creation, Adam was created first, and Eve was made from Adam’s rib, and she was presented to him. They were told they were husband and wife. He was so happy that he said “At last, this is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones.” He was grateful to have a mate to keep him company and be a complement of him.

In the garden of Eden Adam and Eve were perfect. Just think, that was a perfect body and a perfect brain. What could be contained in a perfect brain? In my mind’s eye, I would never forget anything, not names, or conversations, or anything I have ever learned in my life. Math would be a snap for problem solving would not be a problem. We could easily learn any type of work that we wished to learn and only have to be told how to do things once. An infinite amount of information would be stored in our brains. Can you imagine that? All these things and more would be attained in just one wish.

The things that I have learned in my lifetime are so small compared to what I would love to explore and learn about. I would love to learn to play the piano, the guitar, the flute, and other instruments. I want to know all the species of animals, plants, fish, and trees. Then there is food so many foods I’ve never known and let alone tasted. I would have always liked to have my hands in the dirt to grow things, but the heat and the sun have been my adversaries. We get sick, old and die. Right now that is a fact of life. Will it ever be different from it is today? What would be the benefit of that? What would you like to do? Swim with the whales? Explore the jungle? Pet a tiger or a lion, ride a hippopotamus? Nothing would be unattainable with just one wish.

How would the earth be? Would there be global warming today? How about air, water and soil pollution? Would they be here today, or would the earth be perfect too? It would have to be since mankind would not be ruining the earth. Think how green the grass would be, the deserts would be filled with life and beauty, the oceans would be oh so blue. That is to say that man is ruining the earth; all because of greed, selfishness and wickedness in the world. Think of what the earth would have been had Adam not sinned. There would be no imperfection. Think what men do now. Trash is everywhere, people are greedy and so food for their people sit on the docks rotting, cruelty is at a peak, the list goes on and on. One wish would clean the earth of selfishness.

There would be no death. It’s interesting that the sentence God passed on Adam was sin and death. Sin is missing the mark of perfection. Since Adam missed the mark of perfection when he disobeyed God, he could not pass on anything else but imperfection, sin, and death to his children. Imperfection leads to death. God said that Adam would die and so he did. God said as he pronounced sentence on Adam that when he died he would return to the ground; for dust he was, and to dust he would return. So, this is the sentence for all men; death and they must return to the dust, for that is what Adam did. Just think what would happen if we had just one wish.

If all people were perfect just think; there would be no one picking up a gun to kill another, no hatred, no wars, no starvation, no physical, mental, or sexual abuse. That one wish would sure cover every wish anyone could want. No sickness of any kind. No doctors, nurses, or any kind of medical personal needed. No lawyers would be needed ever because everyone on the earth would perfect and could settle any differences if there were any. Husbands abusing their wives would be unheard of and instead of abuse, all husbands would be handling headship in the correct way. I could live with all those things that Adam robbed from us. If no one hated, no wars. If people shared, no starvation. There would be no illnesses. This would be possible with just one wish.

Adam disobeyed God and made us all sin and die. What would you have done? Disobey God, or have been faithful to God?

What you want if you had just one wish?

 

Poems

This poem was written by an unknown author. It came from a web page link I found on another website. I think this is the most romantic poem I have read in a long time.

I Dreamt of you late last night
Dancing in the soft moonlight
Gently you moved twirled and swayed
Making love to the sweet serenade
Letting your hair trickle down
Caressing your lavender evening gown
Diamonds and pearls in your eyes
Heaven below the starry sky.
Tiffany Crystal upon your feet
Like the fairytale so unique
You glide as though you’re in the ballet
With form as beautiful as a bouquet
The evening sparkled with romance
My heart surrendered while you danced
I stood humbled as you gleamed
Last night with you upon a dream

 

 

Falling down hurts

During the past few months the amount of my falls has become frightening. Of course, not with me, but apparently it does scare the doctors. My first of my worst falls came on a Tuesday June 14, 2018. While I tried to get to the sink in the kitchen, I tried to take a right out of the dining room, but as I began to fall my feet kept going and I ran smack dab into the corner of the kitchen counter and the force of the fall made a deep gash at eyebrow height. My right arm landed in the trash can. It was a blessing that the counter did not go into my eye. I pulled my arm Continue reading Falling down hurts

Getting past the grief

I’m still trying to get past the grief of losing my husband, and the physical overcomes me. After falling 10-12 times in May, I find myself in a live in physical therapy facility with having had a concussion, a fractured humorous in 2 places, and stitches above my eye with a beautiful black eye which runs into my side hair-line.

I shouldn’t complain too much about it, but they won’t let me go home at this time. I’ve been told there are several issues or reasons I can’t go home and they are; I have a memory problem, I can’t be trusted Continue reading Getting past the grief

Concerning “When Calls the Heart”

It’s hard for me to get back to writing again since it’s been so difficult to get through these dark days and months. I’ve been a widow now for six months. Thirty years of marriage is not wiped out easily in a few days or even a few months. Even today I still start to say something and look towards Bill’s chair before I remember that he isn’t there and he will never be there again. Even though this still brings tears to my eyes, there has been help along the way. This may sound strange, but sometimes help comes from unexpected places. (such as here)  

Some of my help came from the Hallmark Channel series called “When Calls the Heart” I do not have the Hallmark Channel Continue reading Concerning “When Calls the Heart”

In closing this series

Not that I fear death nor do I forget that this is a sensitive subject. This is particularly something that is on my mind since my husband passed away on December 7,  2017. There is only so much that one person can do by themselves and everyone expect them to hold it together. My stepson and a brother-in-law have been helping me with the details.

Well, we are burying him in his hometown of Fairbury, NE two days after the memorial, those were his last wishes. Therefore since I don’t have a car anymore,
and I was in an extreme state of emotional turmoil were the reasons that kept me from making another simple decision. Whether I could drive myself up there and/or stand this emotionally, I needed someone to tell me what to do. I could not make another decision on my own. My stepson added his opinion and tried to help me make a decision.

I finally did make the decision not to go. I knew that because of his gentle nature Bill would have held me in his arms and told me not to go because of how difficult this us on me and this would upset me further. He would tell me the final decision would be mine.

I knew that this will be the final goodbye to my dear faithful husband and best friend’s 30-year marriage. Taking his body in the form of ashes and burying them next to his mother. Genesis 3:19  you will eat bread* until you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken.+ For dust you are and to dust, you will return.”)  I could not say another goodbye to him; only memories of him are left in the people’s hearts and minds who knew and loved him. Nothing of him remains but he is in Jehovah’s memory.  My memories of him will always be of a soft-spoken, man with a gentle nature and a heart of gold who took care of me and loved me dearly and all of his family the same.

Bill didn’t trust people since he had been hurt many times, but he always ended up forgiving them but never told them that he was hurt by them. I loved him very much and will until I too only exist in the dust. You’d think that there would be no more to say after a person dies, but that is when the thoughts of him and the pain of losing him are still raw. Everyone feels that way when they lose someone. I try to remember only the good things, but the sad things intrude into those good things.

One of the sad things I remember is that the more weight he lost, the more his bulging discs hurt him. He hurt so much that even the morphine didn’t touch it. Then I try to ease that pain with the thought of how I cared for him at home for as long as I could. He was taken away from me and placed in the nursing home when the social worker told me I couldn’t take him home. She said that it takes two people around the clock to care for him at that stage and I couldn’t even take care of him now.

Oh, I did cry some but had much work to do. It’s strange, and I believe that it’s true for everyone. You don’t begin to truly let the death of a person feel real. So far everything has been surreal. That is until everyone has left. Then the loss of that person begins to sink in. I feel it sometimes, but not all at once.

I’ll start to say something and look at Bill’s empty chair before I remember that he is not there. The least of the emotions I feel is that his chair is empty and I stare at it for a few moments until I realize that he won’t be sitting in it anymore. The worst I feel is that he’s gone and he’ll never be home again. I can’t share the beautiful sunsets with him, or explore the woods and find a strange tree that grows thorns, a tree that has a huge middle and the rest of the tree is thin, or go for a walk hand in hand.

There is a side to this that I feel free of, and that is dealing with mom’s Alzheimer, and then Bill’s dementia. This is difficult to admit and not everyone can do that. I feel as if a hundred-pound weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I can sit and write and not have to worry about the needs of someone else. I can come and go as I please with no one to answer to. At least I can truly say that I have no feelings of regret. There was nothing left unsaid, and no doubts about the care I gave him and that he got at the nursing home.

Even when people do have feelings of guilt, there is nothing you probably could have done better or different from what you did. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. That does not make you a bad person or an inadequate caretaker. Today I feel okay, I’ve cried some, but that may never go away, and if I shed a few tears each day, even that is okay with me.

In closing the series of the Face of Dementia, I can honestly say that I know I’ve helped some people. One person told me that I should write my own story from how there was no love in our family and from a shy child who couldn’t talk above a whisper for fear she would be doing something wrong to the person I am today. She wanted me to tell how I changed into a confident adult who isn’t afraid to speak up. Maybe I will. I can’t tell you that series would be sullen, but when I look back, I have to laugh at myself for the things I believed to be true.

Well dear readers in closing, when I think of the comments and emails I got from readers who also were glad that I wrote what I was going through so they would know what to expect when their father or mother got to those stages.

Look for the series on my own life. I’m not sure that I have a title yet. I began as an ugly caterpillar and turned into a beautiful butterfly. When I learned to fly a remarkable thing happened.

Bill and I

 

 

Below is the last picture I took of Bill before he got real sick. In this picture he looked contented and peaceful. He was just glad that I was there so he could hold me again. From here his final nose dive. From this time on, he was not my husband. I didn’t know the man this mental illness turned him into.

He weighed about 140 lbs so  far and used to weigh 188. He turned into a very different man, pushing every one away and hitting some people including me. These are the days I went home and cried.

I don’t feel as if I have mourned Bill yet. Maybe I mourned him until the day he died. The strange thing about this is something that Alzheimer’s disease does not do. Bill still recognized me and I could tell by the way he looked at me and listened intently to what I was saying to him. Long before the time Alzheimer’s patients are dying, they don’t know who anyone is.

Yes, I believe that Dementia is very different from Alzheimer’s and this is from my own personal experience. This is the photo where we cuddled for the last time

filter on relax
Before Bill got real sick,

 

 

 

 

Bill Tells All He Can

 

Bill talks as well as can be expected

 

In September, 2017

I’ve asked Bill what his world is like, because it could help other people who have loved ones with dementia. It may also help others who already have it what they could expect for themselves, and their loved ones.

Now, some may not go through the same steps in the same order, some may have none of the view of their unfortunate condition, but this may help everyone with dementia. His first answer was that it is none of their business; let them find out for themselves.

 

October, 2017

Bill had been declining on a regular basis. The time had come that he wanted to tell what was going on in his own mind. By then, he could mostly talk so that it was understandable but his sentences were still broken. He was always soft spoken and kind. Never would he get angry and push people away, never would he get angry or annoyed with me.

Since he has always had trouble finding the right words to describe how he is feeling, I thought that if I helped him find some words it might help him, he would be able to express himself.  Therefore, I asked him if the world looked normal to him

He said that it didn’t but he just didn’t know what he is supposed to do anymore. Bill also replied that he didn’t feel as if the world was normal, but I don’t know how to…. no words were able to get out after those words.  I then asked him if the world seemed upside down to him. He thought for a few minutes, looked at the floor, then at me and with tears in his eyes, his answer was yes, it kind of did seem upside down.  Once again, I asked him with tears in my eyes if the world made any sense to him at all. It took him a few minutes to answer that question too. …  His answer was that nothing made any sense to him any more.

Those were his answers. These remarks were made sporadically…. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I asked if he wanted to go for a walk. He would always want to know where we going to walk to. I told him that it was just to the office and back. He would be okay. Today I asked Bill what his world feels like to him. At first, he said that it was none of their business. Then I asked him if his world seemed to be upside down and if it makes him feel lost. He finally answered that it was upside down and he didn’t know what he is supposed to do. I told him that I only could guess how that felt, but I thought that he was brave being in that kind of world and functioning anyway.

Continue reading Bill Tells All He Can

A little behind

chasing behindI know that I have not written in a while as Bill has slowly declined to the point that he is at now.

It started when he fell and hurt his back and ribs on the left side. He would scream every time someone would try to help him up or move him. I had to call the paramedics just to get him off the cold bathroom floor to bed. He didn’t want to go to the hospital so I told the paramedics that he didn’t want to go. After I tried to take care of him and get him up, he would scream that his back hurt. When I sat him back down on the bed I told him that he was hurt and needed to go to the hospital.

When the staff took a CT scan of his head, neck, ribs and back, they could find any medical reason to keep him there at the hospital. The social worker for the hospital said that he needed to go to a nursing home and the only bed that was available was 35 miles away and I said no as to putting him that far away. The staff in the ER asked me what I was going to do with him. I told them I would take him back home with me. They asked how I was going to take care of him. I answered the only thing I could. I would take care of him the best I could, just the way I have been doing.

For the next few days, I had to call the paramedics every day to help get him up off the floor because he would scream every time I tried to help him. He then got weaker and at first, I could help him get to the bathroom because he was able to help me. As the days passed by, he was getting quite weak, and I was unable to help him any longer. The paramedics took him once again to the hospital.

It so happened that the social worker for this particular chain of hospitals was there in the hospital. She looked at both of us and informed me that I was not taking him home anymore. He would be placed in one of the nursing homes in town so at least I am able to get there to see him. I asked her where we could talk quietly. We were escorted to a quiet room with some comfortable furniture and we all sat down. The social director talked to me and told me I was unable to care for him myself anymore, I needed help. To make sure that I understood, she asked me to look at myself. I couldn’t even stand up straight anymore, I’m falling down more, and I am in pain from my own illnesses.

At this time, she pointed out that I was getting so that I can’t take care of myself let alone Bill. I finally agreed that he should go to a nursing home. I didn’t wait for him to get settled, but I left soon after I signed the papers. I couldn’t take any more of this right now.

This is not my husband that I go to visit. My husband has disappeared into the grips of that ugly monster that has been trying to swallow him whole. In just four days, he went from my sweet, soft spoken, gentle loving man to a man who is a stranger to me. He’s been there a month, and there have been glimpses of recognition of me. One day he remembered me for a couple of hours. It was wonderful; he opened his arms to acknowledge me. His eyes had that boyish twinkle, then he kissed me so tenderly. He was talking to me, and his speech was clear so we lay in his bed talking and I read him some of the bible. Lunch then came and I tried to feed him. He ate some bites of a couple of food items I know he likes, but he didn’t even want to eat more than one or two bites.

Bill becomes aggressive and has hit aides that were trying to get him to do things he does not want to do. He’s hit me too, but I remind myself that he can’t help it. This is the monster within. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feelings

This is another entry about the feelings my husband hides within his heart and memory. He is weighed down with dementia and at times, he believes he is carrying this burden by himself.

He’s not alone, for this is a two-person journey from beginning to end. What I’ve seen in Bill is the sadness of losing each skill, each thought, each piece of him to oblivion. I’m not morose, or a negative person, but this is a sad condition of the mind. Dementia is a condition of the mind that two people have to deal with. Each must adjust and help one another cope with the stages that must take place.

My mother had Alzheimer’s and I watched her go downhill for 16 years. I took care of her every need for those years. She did not have to be alone going through the process of memory loss alone either. When she was sick and dying, Bill was diagnosed with Dementia. Sometimes I forget what really is happening to the person within. When you are with a person with such a condition, perhaps every day, you don’t see the gradual change. Others do see the larger picture and see the downhill slide.

To those who take care of these ones, it seems as if all of a sudden that ugly monster has shown its’ face and this decline appears so suddenly that it takes your breath away. To me it feels as if it has been sudden that his thoughts and speech have trouble coming together, if at all. I remember the thoughts of his heart wanting to come out, but they were stuck. The thoughts were there, the memories are there, but the words are not.  

He struggles to get the thoughts out and it hurts me to the point of my heart breaking in two. As he tries to form the words or remember his thought, the look of desire in his eyes I know that he has something important to say to me. The unwillingness of his mouth to form the words that have already gone into obscurity and as the thought itself entered the doors of extinction, we look at each other helplessly. I can only hug him, tell Bill that I love him, and it’s not his fault it’s the monster called dementia. Then nothingness fills the void of silence.

 Sometime in Jan or Feb of this year, his son called us. I do not remember what the objection was, but JR was mad at me and he told me that he was very angry with me. He thinks that his dad should be down there with him where he could care for him properly and he could see his grandchildren. I started to cry, and I told him that he has a right to be angry and it was OK to be angry with me. His dad found his voice, grabbed the phone and let him know a few things that his son was not aware of. Bill reminded him that I was his wife and JR had no business getting me upset.

That was only one small thing that we have to work with. Bill has to remember that his son has not had to deal with older people and never with Alzheimer’s and Dementia. It is a shock for him to see his dad like this, and he doesn’t see it as bad as it really is at this time. 

Thankfully, there is no one else on bill’s side of the family that we have to hold their hand and deal with this too. When you look at this, it comes down to the importance of the relationship that Bill and I have built over the years that is getting us through this. My sister said it all when she said that when you get old, all you have is your family to take care of you.

That’s the truth isn’t it? As for us, we’re just plugging along like every on taking it one day at a time, and as time passes you too will feel the pangs of tomorrow. Then it will be your turn to  just plug along as the others do. 

There was also a sparkle, but that’s another entry for another day.