Bill Talks

He feels

“I feel I am getting better from” … this is the extent of many questions I have asked of Bill.

“I hate the term dementia and hate that I have it. People don’t like to talk to me.” The underlined part is one of the few full spoken answers I got from him after having a difficult time getting out the expressions before it.

In the next sentence, Bill said he wants to go home. I thought that he meant our 4-bedroom home here in Carthage, MO. “No, I was talking about my grandpa’s home in Fairbury, NE.”

He talks a lot about that lately. He reminisces about his family, mainly his grandparents. “I wish I could follow my grandpa again, learning about gardening and growing food.”

These kinds of statements upset me because he told me he’s dying. That is normal for both Alzheimer’s and Dementia. It is upsetting whether one or the other initiates that statement.

He thinks very ,very, very much of me and he loves me dearly. He loves me. He says these words a lot to me, and not much else. To be precise, he says he loves me very, very, very much, and couldn’t say more than that.

We’ve had a very good life between us and I hope it will hold together until the end. How some things, he feels very deeply about.

“I don’t like people to know that I have this disease because it is none of their business. …We had a talk about letting people who have dementia expect the feelings they might go through during the course of the disease…After talk it’s hard to hear that stuff sometimes ……I think it’s none of their business but later it gets more (he leaves off and forgets… Sometimes it feels bad, I hate it!)

Yeah it does feel like other days after I have got to know how for me and you sometimes I just get agitated sometimes there is a brother that comes to visit us here or the hassle I don’t like that…leaves off.

You think you have friends after being so close for 12 or 13 years of having them in your home once a week for a book study. Every three weeks we would have them come over to feed the speaker, everyone brought a dish. When you have friends this close walk away when one begins to get ill that is sad. They leave off your friendship to find another and suddenly no one remembers you. You are one of the forgotten ones. It’s sudden, and no one even says good-bye. I understand why this happens, but a good bye would have been nice.

After somebody knows you I don’t have many things… I don’t have many things to object to……leaves off

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After this conversation I just looked at him with tears freely falling and told him that I can’t stand watching him slip away from me, it hurts me too much to see this happen to him and I see it happening  too quickly. It’s already in the Alzheimer’s stage. (I said nothing about Alzheimer’s to him, but he is there)

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How do you feel about losing life skills? You’ve lost your building skills; you’re ability to read, and other skills. How does it make you feel? It breaks my heart in two to see you lose these skills when I’m helpless to do anything to help you.

I know that he feels his end is coming soon. Each night that I don’t go to bed with him, he comes out soon after. One night when he came to get me, we got into bed. He held me close and I asked him what was wrong? I said that it feels as if he is afraid and wants to hold on to me every minute of every day because he doesn’t want to lose me.

His answer was, “I’m dying and I want to hold on to you for every second that I can,”

This is the end of Bill’s answers, he’ll speak to me no more on the subject.

what do you think so far with the articles I’ve written so far’///

iit’s just that you (I) it seems to me  where your getting this stuff because I didn’t do that. It seems to me thaht your doing all this what in the world are you seeing.

di you feel like I made thai up?

To me I justAll I see if I had something to do amking ,[puts head down] w\seems like I’m