I had come back to my blog a year and a few months after Bill had passed away. I came back to a blog I felt I was ready to resume. I found out differently, my first entry after a year of absence was "My Sweet Charming Man," I knew I was not quite ready at that time. I still had feelings of unrest and a bit of unexpressed sadness.
During that time of absence from my blog, I did a lot of writing, but it was personal and not a thing I wanted to share with anyone. So my diary got the best of my writing during those days and as it is, shall remain out of sight, out of mind and away from eyes staring at the words so painful.
These words shall forever keep their silence upon the dark pages that are now enclosed in this cold forbidden book that has been hidden somewhere in the recesses of my computer's private files, never to be spoken of and even less likely to be found once more.
I did accomplish a couple of small milestones while I was on my blog the first time, a little more than a year after... I was able to finally admit something to myself. It was that
I knew what was happening between myself and "My Sweet Charming Man." and to be able to tell myself it was OK to feel again. The second milestone was that I was able to put the words that finalized Bill's death in my mind peacefully away. I wrote another chapter entitled "In Closing This Series," it is to be the final and closing article in ("The Face of Dementia,"), then I was able to put it away, knowing that Bill would want me to be happy.
My being able to admit that I had a right to have romantic feelings toward someone again, was a thought I had been wrestling with for a couple of months by this time and was unable to respond quite fully until I could settle in my mind that it was OK. That was a difficult thing for me and probably for any woman who has been through the ordeal of the loss of a marriage mate of many years.
Things are OK now and I have left the sadness in the pages of my diary. Tears serve a purpose you know. Death is not something that is normal to the human mind or heart. God has put eternity into our hearts; when someone dies we have to mourn because it is not normal and the loss to us personally is great and many times unbearable. To cry when unhappy is normal but to die isn't.
The real pain comes after everyone leaves after the burial. It is only then the realization comes upon you that you are totally alone unless you have family near, but I don't. My relatives' knowledge of what happens to me is only dependent upon their wanting to know whether I am OK or even alive. To know that information, they would have to call my sister living in Denver. I only now added her for an emergency contact. At least someone I know will be aware of my death and that would make one sibling less in our dysfunctional family.
Now I am able to get on with my new life and enjoy it again. Looking at the creation itself reminds us that there is a God and that He alone is the designer of the heavens, the earth, and every form of life that exists. My sweet charming man and I are now free to make plans for the future. Lives last as long as we wish them to last if there is a measure of health with us. There are many things that we wish to do together, and soon we will be together and able to start living our lives that way.