Why?

see Charming Man

When I wrote this story, I had met a man that was charming, well mannered, kind, loving and had so many good qualities, that he swept me off my feet and that has been no secret between the two of us. My friends saw the change immediately in me and knew something had happened that changed my entire outlook on life. He had lifted me out of the black hole of depression I had fallen into since my husband had died almost a year before I met him.

I had said in that story that I would protect that love so it would never get hurt. I failed miserably in that department when I did something that was unforgivable from my point of view. I am not going to go into any of the details of that, (it is complicated and private,) but it has taken me down a few notches as to what I think of myself. I definitely damaged our relationship; not beyond repair but to the point of it not being the same as it was when I first wrote the story.

He has not changed and is still the sweet charming man he was but something has happened to me in the process of trying to figure out why people do things that hurt the ones we love. Equally puzzling is how some people who have been hurt are able to forgive so freely, but I know people who never feel the same excitement about the relationship once felt at the beginning.

Albeit, most relationships continue to grow after a wound has been inflicted upon one party, but is that hurt really healed? Or is the hurt hidden so deeply in the recesses of the mind only be recalled to the memory just to feel the hurt all over again? If that happens, what is next? These things I continue to wonder about.

What would one do if they were hurt with the same wound once more? It is beyond my comprehension if they were to be forgiven once more. What do you think and how would you react to that devastating hurt once again? Would you be able to forgive once more and put it into the recesses of your mind where it could never possibly be recalled? Is that even possible to do that? Again, it is beyond my comprehension to be that forgiving.

Yet, that is what some people are capable of and it is because of that forgiveness that suspicions may linger on only to do more damage not necessarily to the loved ones, but to oneself. That comes from a childhood of any sort of abuse. Mistrust reigns in a person’s heart and mind believing that no one is to be trusted ever again. The bible says that we are to do the same to others as we would want to be done to us. That is so very true, yet in the mind of the abused I have been told by some they feel as if they need to hurt others before they become hurt. I can understand that they may feel that way, but how do they change that kind of thinking? Yes, the mind may need to be re-programmed, but I’ve also been told that it takes years to do that because the hurt of the abused is so deep they are unable to see beyond that hurt.

It boggles the mind of anyone with thinking ability how things such as this kind of treatment could exist in a world where most people believe in a God of love and at the very least believe in the humane treatment of everyone. In stark contrast, anyone that has come out of a home that is loving and never abusive is less likely to believe any of what they consider to be hogwash. Yet whether being able to move past the damage of abuse depends not on forgetting the past, but dealing with the damage that the past caused. If this is not done then there really is no healing. Even when one does deal with the damage, providing they are able to admit there was damage, it takes years of conviction, strength, dedication, and courage to overcome and reverse the effects of this affliction to the psyche. It is possible, but the person must be willing to pursue this line of healing with a positive attitude and a belief in self that it is possible to heal.

Only then is a person free from the effects of abuse. Even then, I have been told by some abused friends of mine, sometimes that damage suddenly re-appears out of nowhere and is on the warpath in the mind once again. Some have even acted out when it re-appears suddenly. This is really a sore subject for some and is better left to the one trying to overcome this sudden unwelcomed guest to deal with. Any doubt from others further complicates the recovery process and discourages the person from trying to deal with this crisis.

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