I took a break and went to Denver for a visit with my sister and brother-in-law right after Bill went into the nursing home. I thought that this might strengthen me as I was unable to cope with things at home. Bill is in the nursing home and yet I was seeing him too much. It isn’t that I wanted to have him home again. I felt for him, but all he does is make us both feel badly. He isn’t capable of understanding that he can’t live at home ever again.
I stayed with my sister and her husband. I always enjoy staying with them. When I got there, I felt pretty good. I was refreshed and didn’t feel as if I was going to cry. After two days I visited the town we used to live in to visit some friends. It was fun visiting with them and I went by the old house we had put on our acre of land twenty-five years ago.
I went to visit and see what our old house looked like now. The inside had changed quite a bit since we lived there. The owner happened to be out in the yard, and when I told him we put this house on the land and I’d like to take some pictures to show my husband. He said he didn’t mind at all and he showed me what had been done to the outside of the house and then he asked me to come in and meet his wife and they would show me what they did with the inside. I do have to admit that I began to tear up because Bill built the addition on that house. I love the inside of the addition. They have made plenty of changes inside the house. One of the best things they did was take the master bath and make the space bigger.
After I left I began to feel fragile once again. We went back to my friend’s house and we talked. I cried a lot as we spoke of the man who Bill used to be. I wanted to go back to my sister’s house so that I would be able to escape my fragile state of mind once again.
I stayed with my sister for another two days and decided that I had rested enough, I wasn’t as frail emotionally like I had been. I didn’t stay on my computer until 4 or 5 AM. This was the only time I had to myself, because he went to bed before me. I tried to give his meds to him earlier than I normally did so he would get tired and sleep so I could work on the computer. I realized that I didn’t need to do that any longer.
Now I felt that I was ready to go home. My emotions felt in check and I didn’t feel frail emotionally. I’m ready to go home and face this dementia once again. Unfortunately, I found I was still in a frail emotional state when I got home.
This is like mourning your loved one twice. Once as you lose them, and then when they die, you mourn them all over again. No wonder I feel frail when I’m home.