Not as Well as Expected

While Bill’s son has come and gone, my head is left spinning. What I can say for J is that he has not had to deal with older people and especially when they begin to have health issues thrust upon them. He got here and I had already picked his dad up and brought him home. I had texted him earlier and told him that I would like to go to a friend’s house and let him spend time alone with his dad which didn’t set too well with him. If I was reading between the lines correctly, his text was something like this. I guess I have to figure it out myself. The answer was actually yes, but I felt badly about it and agreed to stay.

The first night I had J bring him back to the nursing home. He was quite upset about the choice of that home and he let me know that when he got to his hotel. I would rather have his dad somewhere else too, but this is a small town, and the choices are limited. Bill is younger than many of the residents there. To J it looked like a Hospice ward full of people just waiting to die. I had to agree with him on that point. I had him meet me at the nursing home in the main lobby. We had to wait until the staff got out of their meeting to talk to anyone.

When Tracy got out of the meeting I got her attention to come and talk to us. I had her explain to J that he was invited out a couple of days a week to do some activities in the main section with other residents. We talked about getting some plants and seeds for whatever Bill wants so he can have his hands where he loved to have them; in the dirt.

After that, she took us to the fenced in back yard of the home and showed J what is dad would be in charge of when we got the plants and seeds. J said that he would buy them that day. Along with that, when he went to  the store he also bought some pictures and frames along with the sticky picture hooks to hang pictures on his wall so it would look homey. I agreed to all his additions to his dad’s place. J had some good ideas and they might soften the blow of having to move there. Bill would be in charge of watering all the plants in the courtyard, and keeping his own bird feeders filled with seeds for the birds.

I feel that J doesn’t understand fully why his dad is in there. Even I don’t understand all of my limitations as I push myself to the limit to have Bill with me. That is not good, as I am constantly getting sick and if I don’t back off something’s got to give.

The pressure of the way J feels, and the way Bill feels makes me feel as if I am being torn in two trying to please both of them. My health issues are showing themselves more and more. I need to balance things so I don’t have another heart attack. My blood pressure has been extremely high at times and I’ve had to go by ambulance the last time. It was so high, I didn’t dare drive myself there my blood pressure was in the stroke zone. Blood pressure is the number 1 concern these past months. I wonder how high for how long before my blood vessels and arteries burst. That is a daunting thought.

Anyway, my plans have not gone as I would have liked them to go, but I can see J’s point of view. His father is in a nursing home. When first talking with Bill, he doesn’t seem very far off the normal curve. After visiting with him a while, it is plain that he has lost much ground in the last few months. I think that j sees it too, but not as plain as I do. This is new to him, and he needs to take in the reality of things which is almost impossible if he is not with him much. I just hope that J comes to his senses and realizes that he knows me well enough. I love his father and would not put any undue pressure on him, but as is constantly brought up by our friends, how can I take care of my husband if I am not able to take care of myself?

This post is not anything spectacular, it is just kind of reporting what happened at J’s visit. I’m disappointed as I’m sure J is too.

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