Empty        UPDATED

I don’t deal well with anxiety and I fight this high level of anxiety every day now. My husband is far gone as he took another nose dive. I know I can’t handle any more. I feel as if I am going to have another melt down and end up again in the hospital as this anxiety becomes heavier every day now. How do I tell him I can’t take anymore and he has to go away? This is too hard because watching him lose more and more of himself hurts me too much. For every piece of himself he losses, I lose two pieces of me.

He doesn’t understand about my level of anxiety, so I have to put on a smile when inside I am empty and can hardly deal with the next crisis which seems to come one after another with no break in between. I take two and a half more medications than I am supposed to just to get through one day in our lives. In order for me to cope with this I have to do that.

I am empty inside as to what to do when he looks at me through that fog of confusion; I can’t deal with it anymore. Now I’m caught in a position of feeling empty, yet having to be a pillar for him. He can’t carry himself into tomorrow without help. He can’t put on shoes, dress himself, or make himself cereal. His balance is off and he spills a lot. He can’t find what he’s looking for, and doesn’t know what it is.

I can hardly bear that empty look in his eyes when he is lost and doesn’t know what to do next. I can no longer fill his emptiness because my store of wisdom and patience is almost empty now and there is nothing left for me to give.

The worst is yet to come. There will be many tears ahead as the turmoil increases, and he accuses me that I didn’t want him and that am why he is in the nursing home.  It’s my entire fault and will be until he remembers no more. Until then, I will depend upon my doctor and my friends. My doctor’s appointment is next week and that will be another crisis that I’m not looking forward to.

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