Why?

see Charming Man

When I wrote this story, I had met a man that was charming, well mannered, kind, loving and had so many good qualities, that he swept me off my feet and that has been no secret between the two of us. My friends saw the change immediately in me and knew something had happened that changed my entire outlook on life. He had lifted me out of the black hole of depression I had fallen into since my husband had died almost a year before I met him.

I had said in that story that I would protect that love so it would never get hurt. I failed miserably in that department when I did something that was Continue reading Why?

Just one wish

written by Colette Merrill

If you were given just one wish, and that is the only wish that you would ever get in your life, what would be your one wish? Would it be for glamour, happiness, money, power?

I know what I would ask for; I would ask to be given the same opportunity that Adam and Eve had. If you stop to think about this, what would that exactly entail? Well, according to the story of creation, Adam was created first, and Eve was made from Adam’s rib, and she was presented to him. They were told they were husband and wife. He was so happy that he said: “At last, this is the flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones.” He was grateful to have a mate to keep him company and be a complement to him. Continue reading Just one wish

Poems

This poem was written by an unknown author. It came from a web page link I found on another website. I think this is the most romantic poem I have read in a long time.

I Dreamt of you late last night
Dancing in the soft moonlight
Gently you moved twirled and swayed
Making love to the sweet serenade
Letting your hair trickle down
Caressing your lavender evening gown
Diamonds and pearls in your eyes
Heaven below the starry sky.
Tiffany Crystal upon your feet
Like the fairytale so unique
You glide as though you’re in the ballet
With form as beautiful as a bouquet
The evening sparkled with romance
My heart surrendered while you danced
I stood humbled as you gleamed
Last night with you upon a dream

 

 

My Sweet, Charming, Man

I haven’t written in a while and, I thought it is about time for something else to be added to my poorly neglected blog. My attention and my heart now belong to a charming, energetic man who I adore. It feels strange to me. After all, being married for 30 years, and never had any interest in another man. After Bill died, I never thought that I could ever be interested in someone else again nor was I looking. Wow, was I in for a big, wonderful surprise? I feel as if I am about to embark on an exciting life adventure.
Yes, I did love my husband very much but it is time to move on. My man is very attentive, loving, kind, forgiving and genuinely the same man he presents to the world. Everyone loves him. I was surprisingly drawn to him quickly, and like a magnet with a strong pull, his power drew me directly to him. Of course, I am not trying to get away and have no interest in leaving.

Continue reading My Sweet, Charming, Man

In closing this series

Not that I fear death nor do I forget that this is a sensitive subject. This is particularly something that is on my mind since my husband passed away on December 7,  2017. There is only so much that one person can do by themselves and everyone expects them to hold it together. My stepson and a brother-in-law have been helping me with the details.

Well, we are burying him in his hometown of Fairbury, NE two days after the memorial, those were his last wishes. Therefore since I don’t have a car anymore, and I was in an extreme state of emotional turmoil these were the reasons that kept me from making another simple decision. Whether I could drive myself up there and/or stand this emotionally, I needed someone to tell me what to do. I could not make another decision on my own. My wonderful step son added his opinion and tried to help me make a decision.

I finally did make the decision not to go. I knew Continue reading In closing this series

Bill and I

 

 

Below is the last picture I took of Bill before he got really sick. In this picture, he looked contented and peaceful. He was just glad that I was there so he could hold me again. From here his final nose dive. From this time on, he was not my husband. I didn’t know the man this mental illness turned him into.

He weighed about 140 lbs so far and used to weigh 188. He turned into a very different man, pushing everyone away and hitting some people including me. These are the days I went home and cried. Continue reading Bill and I

Bill Tells All He Can

 

Bill talks as well as can be expected

 

In September 2017

I’ve asked Bill what his world is like because it could help other people who have loved ones with dementia. It may also help others who already have it what they could expect for themselves, and their loved ones.

Now, some may not go through the same steps in the same order, some may have none of the views of their unfortunate condition, but this may help everyone with dementia. His first answer was that it is none of their business; let them find out for themselves.

 

October 2017

Bill had been declining on a regular basis. The time had come that he wanted to tell what was going on in his own mind. By then, he could mostly talk so that it was understandable but his sentences were still broken. He was always soft-spoken and kind. Never would he get angry and push people away, never would he get angry or annoyed with me.

Since he has always had trouble finding the right words to describe how he is feeling, I thought that if I helped him find some words it might help him, he would be able to express himself.  Therefore, I asked him if the world looked normal to him

He said that it didn’t but he just didn’t know what he is supposed to do anymore. Bill also replied that he didn’t feel as if the world was normal, but I don’t know how to… no words were able to get out after those words.  I then asked him if the world seemed upside down to him. He thought for a few minutes, looked at the floor, then at me and with tears in his eyes, his answer was yes, it kind of did seem upside down.  Once again, I asked him with tears in my eyes if the world made any sense to him at all. It took him a few minutes to answer that question too. …  His answer was that nothing made any sense to him anymore.

Those were his answers. These remarks were made sporadically… I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I asked if he wanted to go for a walk. He would always want to know where we going to walk to. I told him that it was just to the office and back. He would be okay. Today I asked Bill what his world feels like to him. At first, he said that it was none of their business. Then I asked him if his world seemed to be upside down and if it makes him feel lost. He finally answered that it was upside down and he didn’t know what he is supposed to do. I told him that I only could guess how that felt, but I thought that he was brave being in that kind of world and functioning anyway.

Continue reading Bill Tells All He Can

A little behind

chasing behindI know that I have not written in a while as Bill has slowly declined to the point that he is now.

It started when he fell and hurt his back and ribs on the left side. He would scream every time someone would try to help him up or move him. I had to call the paramedics just to get him off the cold bathroom floor to the bed. He didn’t want to go to the hospital so I told the paramedics that he didn’t want to go. After I tried to take care of him and get him up, he would scream that his back hurt. When I sat him back down on the bed I told him that he was hurt and needed to go to the hospital. Continue reading A little behind

Feelings

This is another entry about the feelings my husband hides within his heart and memory. He is weighed down with dementia and at times, he believes he is carrying this burden by himself.

He’s not alone, for this is a two-person journey from beginning to end. What I’ve seen in Bill is the sadness of losing each skill, each thought, each piece of him to oblivion. I’m not morose, or a negative person, but this is a sad condition of the mind. Dementia is a condition of the mind that two people have to deal with. Each must adjust and help one another cope with the stages that must take place.

Continue reading Feelings