The Beautiful Butterfly

Just about everyone I know is aware that I come from a dysfunctional family it was no secret since they all did come out of a dysfunctional family too. Not one of my friends knew anyone that came from a family that was functional, behaved in a normal manner; whatever that means. Even now I know only a couple of people that came from a loving home with two parents. There is no need to talk about living in an abusive home because everyone that resided in that situation knows all the common threads that patch their lives together, gives them a warped sense of humor and an outlook on life that cannot be understood by someone that has not been there.

There was this sad little girl. She was quiet and afraid to speak above a whisper for fear she would say or do something wrong and that no one would love her. In fact, she thought she was totally unlovable just because she was here and in everyone’s way. Her feelings set her apart from others and that made her know she didn’t belong anywhere. Sooo…

Once upon a time there was little green caterpillar that crawled on all of its many legs and just went through life silently without anyone noticing that this little creature was even there sharing life with them.

This ugly little green caterpillar was afraid of everything and always imagined the worst of things. I’m not sure how that came to be, but I only know that’s how it was. This ugly caterpillar shared a house with a mother, and four siblings. Its bedroom was in the attic and a chimney ran straight through the middle of the space. The brother slept on one side of the room and it slept on the other. There was a window in the wall between our beds and there was a huge oak tree in our neighbor’s yard, which they only knew as an acorn tree because of all the acorns that fell throughout the yard. In the summer it provided shade for their swings and that was nice, and at night it looked like a fluffy cloud that gently swayed from side to side as if it were dancing. The ugly green caterpillar loved watching the dance until it drifted gently off to sleep.

In the winter it was a totally different scene on the ceiling of that room. At night in the winter the limbs were bare and when the cold wind blew, the branches looked like crooked arms that danced wildly across the ceiling from my brother’s side to mine. I remember staring at the ceiling for what seemed an eternity, eyes wide open and remembering the Wizard of Oz with scenes of the flying monkeys. Oh, I just knew that they were going to get me and hurt me in some way. So I would stare at the ceiling with eyes wide open afraid to close them lest they come and grab me taking me far away from home. My heart would beat hard and fast while I shook from head to toe. I stayed that way until my eyes would close heavy with sleep too heavy to stay open, then sleep came only to bring on nightmares of what my thoughts had been just a short time ago.

I spoke very softly, hardly above a whisper and I remember people always getting closer to me and turning their heads’ always trying to hear me better. I remember the teacher always saying, “What? What did you say? Speak up; I can’t hear what you are saying.” It was quite embarrassing because everyone was looking at me and they laughed which made me even more embarrassed. Sometimes I wonder how I ever lived through some of those days. I was always wishing I could just disappear into thin air never to be seen again. I suppose every one of us goes through something in their childhood that was embarrassing in some way.

When I grew to be a teenager I fared no better. I did not fit in where ever I went and I’d lose friends as soon as I made them but never knew why. I was good at sports and swimming and was able to beat everyone in my class at all the sports and gymnastics we did. No one liked me because of that either. I just happened to be better at sports than anything else and I enjoyed them immensely. I loved going to gym class and it was the only class I was consistently an A student throughout my school years. By my teens I had learned to speak louder than I did when I was just a bit smaller. It still wasn’t loud enough because people had to still ask me what I just said, and I still stuck out like a sore thumb.

I had no sense of style and was lost in a sea of young adults not knowing how to behave since they all were lost and trying to find themselves within this sea of teens. Oh well, I got to graduate finally and now I thought that I would suddenly fit in somewhere that I didn’t fit in so far. I still was not comfortable in life or even in my own skin. I wanted out of the house. I wanted to be on my own but my parents wouldn’t let me so I resorted to the very thing that most girls resort to so they can leave home. My marriage was no better than the school years and I did nothing but cry the whole first year of our marriage. It only lasted another five years, and I left.

It was then that this little green caterpillar went into a cocoon and hid as if in a safe place to grow and change…Then I did something even worse than marrying the man I just left. I married someone much worse.

I finally started to change, but it wasn’t for the better. I was now driving an 18 wheeler across the country by myself and learning new things and acting quite differently just to survive in a man’s world. Oh I learned how to speak up, stand up for myself, and cuss as loud and as filthy as the next trucker. I’d stand up and stare down anyone who dared to flash me a threatening glance. I was sick of being told I didn’t belong out there by myself and that I couldn’t handle it. I was determined to show everyone I was just as good as they were. So I worked twice as hard to get half the credit that a man gets. I worked around the clock to get this load where it was going at the time the customer was told it would be there. If I had to drive 24 hours straight I got the load there on time.

The little green caterpillar, which had seen herself as being ugly, and unwanted, had gone into a cocoon to hide and change. She felt even uglier than before. She got tired of the life she was leading. Now she didn’t even like herself and she wanted to hide from herself. This wasn’t her at all; she wanted the kind of life she had before. So she became calm, and stayed that way as she began to work inside that cocoon. Once she had changed quite a bit, she married again. She married into a calm life for a number of years. I found that I hadn’t changed as much as I wanted because I was able to manipulate this man into whatever I wanted so I always had my own way. When he passed away after a number of years, I decided I would not need anyone. I didn’t need anyone and I did not want anyone else in my life. My mind was made up.

Not too much time had gone by before one day a man began a conversation with me and in a very short time he just swept me off my feet. I knew that this was different. I knew that with the changes I was now making, the way I now saw life, the way I felt, (35 years younger again), the person he is, just everything was now different than anything I had ever known. This sweet charming man was very different, and she suddenly knew that even though she was nearing 70, she knew so positively that the best was yet to come.

Now, this charming man that found me and swept me off my feet is watching me change further.  When I looked in the mirror I could see color. Things were no longer black and white, a beautiful yellow butterfly is what I am and I am ugly no more. I am and will be beautiful for the rest of my life thanks to the charming man that swept me off my feet. He holds me in his hand so gently so as not to crush me for I was very fragile. He looks at me and he is in love with the most beautiful creature he has ever seen. Now I am becoming wiser and stronger as my wings become more experienced. I am happy now and am eager to grab the world by the tail. Now I am embarking on a new life where everything is different clean, and clear. For now I can see color where I could see none before. Yes, I may now be 70, but the best is just on the horizon.

Carousel

Carousel

There were five kids in our family and we lived in the state of Rhode Island. Our growing years were the 50’s and 60’s. Even though our parents were divorced, I never felt deprived of anything because our father would take my brother Ronny and I to many places our mother couldn’t afford; on the other hand, our mother would take us to more of the cultural events like ice skating exhibits, ballets, plays and art museums. Therefore, I do have fond memories despite the divorce.

I suppose it was because Ronny and I were the middle kids that we got to go more places more often than the others. We were old enough to enjoy things, but Ann was a teenager and off doing teenage things, and the twins were three handfuls. We went to amusement parks, theme parks, horseback riding, drive-ins, and we even got to go to Quebec, Canada to see my father’s relatives. It’s no fun when you don’t speak French, and everyone else in Quebec does and … Continue reading Carousel

After Thoughts

I had come back to my blog a year and a few months after Bill had passed away. I came back to a blog I felt I was ready to resume. I found out differently, my first entry after a year of absence was "My Sweet Charming Man," I knew I was not quite ready at that time. I still had feelings of unrest and a bit of unexpressed sadness.

During that time of absence from my blog, I did a lot of writing, but it was personal and not a thing I wanted to share with anyone. So my diary got the best of my writing during those days and as it is, shall remain out of sight, out of mind and away from eyes staring at the words so painful.

cropped-cropped-cropped-red-cm.pngThese words shall forever keep their silence upon the dark pages that are now enclosed in this cold forbidden book that has been hidden somewhere in the recesses of my computer's private files, never to be spoken of and even less likely to be found once more.

I did accomplish a couple of small milestones while I was on my blog the first time, a little more than a year after... I was able to finally admit something to myself. It was that 
Continue reading After Thoughts

Still My Charming Man

             Still My Charming Man

 

I am sometimes overwhelmed by the fact that he is even in my life. His capacity for love seems unending and his forgiveness for mistakes is truly amazing; when he forgives, the mistakes are totally forgotten and the subject is closed. When I used to sit down and write the qualities that I would love to see in a prospective marriage mate, I never thought of many of the qualities he possesses. These very ones are what I have needed all my life and I’ve known it but didn’t know how to find a man with them and didn’t believe that I deserved anything this fine, so I never even looked.

Mothers should find some system that works between them and their young daughters to let them see that they have choices in life and they need the Continue reading Still My Charming Man

Just one wish

written by Colette Merrill

If you were given just one wish, and that is the only wish that you would ever get in your life, what would be your one wish? Would it be for glamour, happiness, money, power, world peace?

I know what I would ask for; I would ask to be given the same opportunity that Adam and Eve had. If you stop to think about this, what would that exactly entail? Well, according to the story of creation, Adam was created first, and Eve was made from Adam’s rib, and she was presented to him. They were told they were husband and wife. He was so happy that he said “At last, this is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones.” He was grateful to have a mate to keep him company and be a complement of him.

In the garden of Eden Adam and Eve were perfect. Just think, Adam was created perfect; new worldthat was a perfect body and a perfect brain. What could be contained in a perfect brain? In my mind’s eye, I would never forget anything, not names, or conversations, or anything I have ever learned in my life. Math would be a snap for problem solving would not be a problem. We could easily learn any type of work that we wished to learn and only have to be told how to do things once. An infinite amount of information would be stored in our brains. Can you imagine that? All these things and more would be attained in just one wish.

The things that I have learned in my lifetime are so small compared to what I would love to explore and learn about. I would love to learn to read music and play the piano, the guitar, the flute, every instrument there is. I want to know all the species of animals, plants, fish, and trees. Then there is food so many foods I’ve never known and let alone tasted. I would have always liked to have my hands in the dirt to grow things, but the heat and the sun have been my adversaries. We get sick, old and die. Right now that is a fact of life. Will it ever be different from it is today? What would be the benefit of that? What would you like to do? Swim with the whales? Explore the jungle? Pet a tiger or a lion, ride a hippopotamus? Nothing would be unattainable with just one wish.

How would the earth be? Would there be global warming today? How about air, water and soil pollution? Would they be here today, or would the earth be perfect too? It would have to be since mankind would not be ruining the earth. Think how green the grass would be, the deserts would be filled with life and beauty, the oceans would be oh so blue. That is to say that man is ruining the earth; all because of greed, selfishness and wickedness in the world. Think of what the earth would have been had Adam not sinned. There would be no imperfection. Think what men do now. Trash is everywhere, people are greedy and so food for their people sit on the docks rotting, cruelty is at a peak, the list goes on and on. One wish would clean the earth of selfishness.

There would be no death. It’s interesting that the sentence God passed on Adam was sin and death. (Genesis Chapter 3) Sin is missing the mark of perfection. Since Adam

Poems

This poem was written by an unknown author. It came from a web page link I found on another website. I think this is the most romantic poem I have read in a long time.

I Dreamt of you late last night
Dancing in the soft moonlight
Gently you moved twirled and swayed
Making love to the sweet serenade
Letting your hair trickle down
Caressing your lavender evening gown
Diamonds and pearls in your eyes
Heaven below the starry sky.
Tiffany Crystal upon your feet
Like the fairytale so unique
You glide as though you’re in the ballet
With form as beautiful as a bouquet
The evening sparkled with romance
My heart surrendered while you danced
I stood humbled as you gleamed
Last night with you upon a dream

 

 

My Sweet, Charming, Man

I haven’t written in a while and, I thought it is about time for something else to be added to my poorly neglected blog. My attention and my heart now belong to a charming, energetic man who I adore. It feels strange to me. After all, being married for 30 years, and never had any interest in another man. After Bill died, I never thought that I could ever be interested in someone else again nor was I looking. Wow, was I in for a big, wonderful surprise? I feel as if I am about to embark on an exciting life adventure.
Yes, I did love my husband very much but it is time to move on. My man is very attentive, loving, kind, forgiving and genuinely the same man he presents to the world. Everyone loves him. I was surprisingly drawn to him quickly, and like a magnet with a strong pull, his power drew me directly to him. Of course, I am not trying to get away and have no interest in leaving.

Continue reading My Sweet, Charming, Man

In closing this series

Not that I fear death nor do I forget that this is a sensitive subject. This is particularly something that is on my mind since my husband passed away on December 7,  2017. There is only so much that one person can do by themselves and everyone expects them to hold it together. My stepson and a brother-in-law have been helping me with the details.

Well, we are burying him in his hometown of Fairbury, NE two days after the memorial, those were his last wishes. Therefore since I don’t have a car anymore, and I was in an extreme state of emotional turmoil these were the reasons that kept me from making another simple decision. Whether I could drive myself up there and/or stand this emotionally, I needed someone to tell me what to do. I could not make another decision on my own. My wonderful step son added his opinion and tried to help me make a decision.

I finally did make the decision not to go. I knew Continue reading In closing this series

Bill and I

 

 

Below is the last picture I took of Bill before he got really sick. In this picture, he looked contented and peaceful. He was just glad that I was there so he could hold me again. From here his final nose dive. From this time on, he was not my husband. I didn’t know the man this mental illness turned him into.

He weighed about 140 lbs so far and used to weigh 188. He turned into a very different man, pushing everyone away and hitting some people including me. These are the days I went home and cried. Continue reading Bill and I